on 11nov, i was really sad, i waited him the whole day until i fell asleep. when i woke up at 5pm, he wasnt at my house. i called him feeling really disappointed.. he tried to make me happier by telling me that he was planning to bring me to a nice place to have dinner... after bathing, still feeling very upset, i messaged to asked if we could go next time.. he sounded really disappointed (he had already changed but at that point of time, i have no idea at all.. i regretted it) then he told me to stay at home to study my malay while he will stay at home and play game.. i was really really very upset. i thought that he would accompany me but he didnt.. after one hour, thought that he would give me a surprise by showing up, he messaged to tell me that he is playing games with his buddy at home..felt worse than ever...

i cycled to changi village at around 10pm.. i actually wanted to cycle to the changi beach..to find the trademark that we left using liquidpaper in the beginning of our relationship but after 1 hour, i think i had lost my way.. so i cycled back.. felt disappointed with myself also..i thought i could feel better after looking at the trademark.. but i lost my way.. really bad luck...

i waited until 1am til i couldnt control myself anymore.. i called him. for more than 5 times and didnt get through.. after trying so hard, the line got through and i found that he sounded happy..eating with his friend outside.. didnt message to inform me..immediately, the feeling that kenneth once gave me came back to haunt me.. i suddenly felt so weak that i broke down..he didnt console me but told me that he didnt wan to b like the past like a silly dog chasing ard wanting to bite his own tail and that he is tired...feeling shattered, i asked why he suddenly become like that.. i insisted he make a decision. he asked me to gave him one night to think...

during the waiting hours, it's really torturing and tormenting. felt so much like dying. hardly can breathe. tears kept rushing and heart kept squeezing..never felt worse than this b4..felt so sorry that i called him ard 3am to tell him how depressed i was. really glad that he wasnt angry...he accompany till 4am. he didnt wan to come down and gave me a hug cos he knew that if he do, the decision he is going to make wont be a rational one.but at that point of time, i really need him...i think he chose to be rational instead..

i couldnt sleep at all.. kept dreaming.. woke up every 5 mins.seems like forever..

in the morning, b4 he left for work, he emailed me... saying that deep inside him, he knew that i wasnt the one he wanted to spend his life with...especially the endless quarrel..it makes me even confused after reading that he is hoping that if our destiny paths cross at any time, we will be ready for each other...hurtful thoughts hit my mind.knife pierces through my heart. definitely felt lost and puzzled..

i called him asking how he wan me to return his stuff.. that was an excuse cos i miss him so much.. but not exactly an excuse..anyway thing eventually need to be settled too.. heard that he sounded relaxed. i felt that he might be feeling very stress when with me. i felt hurt, disappointed, lost, not knowing and comprehending if i make any major mistake in our relationship... too tired to think i went for a sleep...

woke up..still crying..i emailed him this:

This email is not an angry email or what, i just hope that u can understand how i feel... cos i dun wan any regret for not letting u know...

Dear Hwa,

After reading ur email, i felt very heartbroken. emotions definitely filled me and make me even more puzzled. I have always thought i was the one u wanted..u always praise me for doing sports with u, play pool, bowling and kick soccer with u. u said that i was like a buddy-cum-gf. but now all seems that it's a white lie. (i dun blame u for that.. it's what ppl in love said) and those happy _expression u gave while saying still lingers in my mind.

i always try my best to accompany u cos u said that ur last gf did not bother about u. but soon i fell so deep for u that u become part of my life. wanting to know more of u,communicate with u and trying hard to understand u. But i think u tried even harder to please and serve me every now and then. Frankly speaking, i enjoy those moments but never thought these soon become the crack in our relationship. Truly, getting serve by u is not what i yearn for afterall but i seriously do appreciate ur effort. I think that's when u feel that all this become ur responsibility instead. To be honest i dun need u but i love u. u said that i am dependent on u but i can confidently said that i am not. i merely yearn for ur love and care. i just need u to talk to me when i am sad, be concern of my safety,shared ur problems with me and call me when u miss me and let me in ur heart.

U onced said that quarrels are healthy and that's when our bond will grow stronger. It's a test from god to let us understand each other more and help each other to change.But now it seems that it has become our weakness instead of strength.i cant comprehend if the concept still exist.

after reading the hurtful message on the one that u said u felt like a heavy stone off ur chest, i felt that u must have feel that i gave u too much pressure and is a burden to u. but till now i still have no idea what pressure i input since i have never expected and demanded u to drive me around and overpleased me. i always showed my concern and asked whether u will be tired or not but u always said u love doing it for me. i think it's unfair for me to except the fact now since u have never been told me what u stress about it before. the volcano in u just explode and guess i am myself left to handle all the mess...I felt so lost.

u used to make me feel so loved, cared and treated me so well that i cant even believe such a bf exist. felt that i was the most fortunate person in the whole. i kept asking if this is the treatment i will get in the future, u told me it's just the beginning and i will be showered more in the future. But all of a sudden, the cold treatment make me feel so bewildered..u no longer can feel if i am upset from my voice or i guess u chose to ignore it instead.all women just wan their bf to "hong" them if they r not happy but u dun do it anymore. it showed so much that u no longer love me and i can feel it so obviously.

Currently, i am having exams and trust me, it will definitely be the downest time of my life. handling both failure in relationship and stress is really tough. and i am shameful to tell u that i have difficulties in that..but dun misunderstood, it's the decision i insisted from u yesterday so it's not ur fault.

I have always treasure our relationship and gave my best to encourage u to work hard, and always want to carry my own stuff so that u will b more free, offered to drive if u r too tired, made u less angry with other drivers, insisted u sit on the chair while playing games. I enjoy every moment we shared. I have a request to make. i urge u to think of ur decision twice. i dun not wan to make it sound like a burden anymore. After some cool down, if u think it's still possible to mend everything and give it a go once more, i am willing to wait for u and be part of it. but if u think it's impossible then i shall depart and give up too..

watever ur decision is to the above, i will try to struggle through. i will be strong. and i thank u for making me learn so much things. i hope we can still be friends sharing the same interest of sport and food.

till u make the decision I will love u.

with umpteen misses & hugz,
YUN

knowing that he wont see the email immediately, i tried to push the sadness aside and start studying.. failed..tried again.. still failed. .tried again..failed for the 3rd time.. saw the bowling pin and flower infront of me, i got tired..started crying..it's like a continuous process... kept reflecting what i did..

at night, i received his message regarding the tv..felt so happy..think he is feeling ok.. feel so glad for him..i tried to be strong. didnt wan to show him my weakness...dun wan him to feel that i am a burden.. wanting to cry everything to myself.. found that its really hard...

next few days were worse..wanted to cut my hair on sat.. cos i really look like mad women with tears and swollen eyes..mum kept asking me to go to the dinner on sunday. i didnt wan to go cos i am sad.. dont bother about showing happy face to my relatives. so i insisted that i dun wan to go..mum finally accept that.. so sunday i went to cut and dyed my hair. i really miss him then.. i messaged "I Miss U".. at night, i want to call and chat with him.. but drawback..wat if he thinks that i wan to cling to him, wat if he thinks that i am really very irritating, what if he thinks that i depend on him too much.. too many "wat if"s so i gave up the idea.. suddenly saw his house number... got excited..pick up his call and he said he wanted to pass me back my stuff.."oh..does it mean there wont b a possibility that we will get back together anymore?" put down the phone.. i really need to talk to him.. i called him again and requested to talk to him at some place after he came to my house...

i got up his car.he passed me my stuff and i passed him his..controlling not to let my tears fall. wanting to act strong... from his voice i could hear that it's so different. i felt so heart ache. is he suffering too? i wanted to hug him immediately wanted to help him. but i had to stay a distance....

In the park, we chatted for 2 hours. i could feel that he has been suffering too.. i felt so guilty thinking that he hasnt been suffering as much as i do..he had read my email...he felt that he has been really irresponsible for allowing me to deal with the mess. i can feel that he is really sorry for his action. he came down to talk to me hoping that i will feel better.. i am really glad that he came down. he doesnt wan to lose me as friend. happy..i feel so special suddenly..looking him in the eye, i could see myself. at some point, i couldnt control so tears fell abit..he explained that this failure in relationship wasnt my fault and it's his.. he set too high expectation for himself and he could reach it.. that's why pressure accumulated. i tried to tell him concepts of perfect teeth.. "even the most perfect set of teeth in the world can bite his own lips during heaty period" ulcers are just like conflicts it will heal and shouldnt leave any pain. really hope he understand... i am really happy and the first time in the past few days, i actually laugh.. he make me laugh and smile..we had our hug..long comforting hug...i didnt wan to let go but i didnt told him..

outsiders may think it's ridiculous... but as long as we understand each other....
I love him like i have never love be4..he is always someone special in my heart....Baby i love u !

LOVE doesnt mean POSSESS